This past week I went back to the real world and started working again. I was lucky enough to take off a week of work when I was sorting through all of our belongings and trying to separate 6 years of life, by myself. Do you know how weird that feels? Taking apart years and memories and things that you thought you would use together forever or at least until they broke or wore out? It’s weird. And draining and to be honest, I’m not even sure what I threw in each bag or box and I kind of don’t care. I didn’t want a lot of our stuff that we had bought together. I think a new, fresh start will be just what I need.
I’ve talked to a lot of you over the last two weeks, I’ve shared my story but what’s more amazing to me is the words of wisdom or stories that you’ve been able to share. When you can so perfectly put into words my feelings and thoughts because at one point you too experienced massive heartbreak or loss. We are different people, in different scenarios that have totally different lives and yet we can connect on something so shared and vulnerable. Those same people have become beacons of hope for me because I see what they are now doing and living and experiencing and they have healed, but they also let me know that the hurt and pain still comes back in it’s own way, and that’s OK.
I have tried very hard to not suppress anything. Not push feelings away or try and cover up what I’m truly feeling in that moment. It’s not worth it. Why pretend like things are different? This is my reality and it will be a part of me now for my whole life. But it will not dictate my life. I will love someone again, and more importantly I will be loved by someone again. Someone who wants to work with me, who doesn’t see me as an opposite and who values the outpouring of support and care that I so desperately want to give to someone, and receive.
Humans are truly incredible. We open ourselves up to the hopeful possibilities of love and relationships and even when the world crashes down and breaks us to pieces, we slowly pick them up, mend our little hearts, learn so many lessons and try again. I’m looking forward to opening myself up to those lessons and the growth, I feel as if this is my biggest test yet and I’m not going to hold back.
My mom checked this book out from the library for me and I don’t know how else to explain it besides perfect. It rings true in so many ways and his tone perfectly aligns with mine – when the opening line is, “Well fuck. If you’re reading this you’re probably heartbroken.” You know you’re in for a good read 🙂