How our lives can change in the blink of an eye. I had every intention of following up my last post with a happy update about enjoying the little things in life and taking it slow. However, the Sunday after my somewhat vague, but very real and very vulnerable post, my world as I knew it came to a halt. The planning, preparing and dreaming that I had been so busy and excited about didn’t matter anymore. This will not be a space where I bash or reveal intimate details of what went on but the important thing to know is that I will not be getting married in September. I am still confused, stunned and raw.
I thought long and hard about even writing this post. Is this too revealing? Is this airing my personal life too much for everyone to read about and speculate? Maybe. But this is my outlet and this is – I can’t seem to find a better word for it – my journey. We’ve all experienced heartbreak in some form or another. Probably have had a few relationships go sour or been in that painful situation of unrequited love. So I know many of you can relate to this feeling and that is a big part of why I’m sharing my experience. Hell, some of you may have even experienced the same thing as me. I never thought this would happen. When you hear people say, I never saw it coming! and maybe in the back of your head you thought, well there had to be holes or fights or problems going on under the surface. I can honestly tell you that I never saw this coming.
We were in a good place. We were happy and in love and supportive and growing. Looking back I start to doubt myself and I wonder if I was just wearing rose colored glasses but I really don’t think so. Our lives weren’t perfect but we were doing our best and making opposite schedules and stressful days a blip on the map of our relationship.
It still pains me deeply that I don’t get to share my life with him. That I don’t get to wake up and look forward to moments together. Part of me comforts myself by thinking I was left by someone I didn’t know. Someone who is confused and different and not the person I fell in love with. But I’m not sure if that’s true. The days leading up to my moving out had some normal conversations sprinkled in and moments where it felt like nothing had changed. But it has. And that’s hard, and sad.
I’m not sure if I’d rather be sleeping or awake. When I’m awake it all hits me in waves and the reality of my uncertain future can be overwhelming. When I’m asleep my dreams have been filled with him and I together, working at our relationship and taking steps towards our future. My heart aches when I wake up to the chime of my alarm.
So there it is. My current situation that is really fucking scary to navigate. I’m not alone and there has been pain and anger spread throughout many who are close to both of us. Over 6 years you start to have a tightly knit web of people around you. Once a marriage proposal is involved you start to count on that person and everyone surrounding to be in your life for a very long time. Now it’s all up in the air. I am forever grateful to those of you who have reached out with your love and support and consistent comfort, even those of you sending good vibes and thoughts my way have been felt. I’m even more grateful that you all have been understanding and flexible since this whole experience has not made me myself. I’m working towards getting back to being her, but I’ll forever be just a little different, and I think that’ll be OK.