One thing I’ve heard countless times and one thing I know is that time helps heal. Believe me, I have experienced loss before and heartbreak and yes while time does help heal it can be one slow mother f’er.
Sometimes I’m amazed that almost two months have already gone by. When you feel so emotionally consumed and drained by an event in your life it can really cause time to slow down. I don’t want to speed things up and let life pass me by, but it would be reeeeeal nice right about now to be in a better place. This is a weird place to be in, wanting time to go a little faster but not wanting to waste all this potential opportunity I have in front of me. How the heck do you balance that?
Today would have been our wedding day. I have been dreading this. It has been looming over me and lingering in my thoughts and it has put me in a total funk. You know how it is. When you’re anticipating something whether good or bad and your anxiety skyrockets and you feel like time has slowed to a crawl? Yes. That. That is what I’m feeling and although I’ve given myself something to look forward to this weekend, I wish it would never happen.
I’m trying to look at today as a sort of “new year”. A way to reaffirm intentions, set new ones and put a positive spin on a shitty situation. But holy shit this is all exhausting. Allowing yourself time to heal and be present and feel everything is overwhelming. I miss my best friend. The person who has known me day in and day out for the last 6 years. I will never have that back and that has been the worst part of all of this.
I look forward to the days when I don’t get so discouraged. When I feel like opening up my heart again. I know it’ll take time, and I know it’s a good thing to give myself time. But goodness gracious I can’t wait until it’s a year from now and I can look back and see progress and not feel quite as much hurt. That will be a good day. For now, it’s just one day at a time.